One of my favorite Christmas presents this year came from my mom. She got me a sewing machine (which was also my Christmas present last year  - but I ended up taking that one back because it was defective and I just never got a replacement).  This one I am keeping and it works beautifully (even though I'm not such a great sewer). I bought some fabric online and also an Amy Butler pattern to make my own handbag. I am so freaking excited.

Tonight, Nick and I had a little movie date. Before we went we stopped by the fabric store so I could get a few things I needed to get started on my bag. I've spent about four hours straight working on it - taking a little breather right now the last of the instructions are clouding my brain!!

We went to see Juno. I loved this movie, I think Ellen Page is adorable!! I'm not the best on reviews of why or why I don't like something or giving anything a synopsis. But I can say what I like and this is it :) And I liked the music in the film. Good happy music.

As I'm trying to plan out the festivities that surround New Year's Eve I'm also thinking about what the New Year may have in store for me.

I love the type of resolution that is more abstract. Like "get healthy" instead of lose "20 pounds" Takes a little of the pressure off.

I also love love love the idea of one little word I have two that I am thinking about. "GO" and "Breathe". Maybe I need both. Go is for those times when I have no energy - just to remind myself. Breathe for those times when I am so stressed out - also a reminder.

And here's one that is a little more concrete. Project 365. Such a cool idea.

I want to focus on things that make me happy - that relieve stress. It is so hard to find time to be creative. It's like when I have the time I'm not feeling it. When I want to be creative I use that energy to do something else - like clean or try to get organized. So I'm going to make craftiness a priority in 08. Sewing, knitting, or scraping.

I also want to establish more of a routine. I've made one up... I just need to STICK TO IT which is like 9/10 of the battle. I want to take out more time just for me. And then time just for me and Nick. Because regardless of what I say when I'm upset or mad or hurt or feeling alone - I don't want a divorce.

I'm going though a rough time right now.

I love to read blogs that are happy, that inspire, that motivate. If you like these things too you're probably not reading this. Because that's not what this is.

I don't really know how to express my feelings. I try to keep a blog and have my husband and my family read it so that they can know what I'm going through. But it seems that somehow this got to be a reason for me not to speak. If I want to write things here but don't want someone reading them.. then I won't share. I don't know how to express those deep rotten feelings that nobody (not even me) wants to hear about.

Quite a few months ago I had been getting really bad headaches. I made an appointment with the doctor to see if maybe I was getting migraines and if they could prescribe something other than a bottle of Advil. Because that's what I had already been taking and it wasn't working.

I made the appointment for 3:30. Which seemed fine because I got off work at 3:15 and the doctor's office wasn't very far. But.. in my days of customer service nothing goes as planned. I was taking a long call... which I ended up hanging up on the person. Raced out of the building to find my gas tank was on empty.. after stopping to fill it up I check out the time to see it's already 3:35. I'm only a few minutes away so I call to see if the doctor will still be able to see me.

By this time I have a pounding headache. The doctor has already left. CRAP. I freaked out on the lady. I don't know exactly what I said but when I read the chart that said "suicidal" I'm sure she misinterpreted my words of "I'm dying from this headache" into "I want to kill myself" But the doctor that I ended up seeing that day didn't send me home with a prescription for migraines. He sent me home with Effexor and Ativan. Depression and anxiety medication. Because I'm so stressed out that I give myself headaches. Nice.

So that's what I'm taking. And sometimes I had joked that I needed to be on this type of medication. Because a lot of times I'm such a bitch. And I feel bad for being a bitch most of the times because that is not who I want to be.. until I realize that wait I'm not such a bitch I'm just surrounded by a bunch of fuckers. Who would NOT be a bitch in these conditions?

Last night I slept for SIXTEEN hours. NOT A TYPO. 16. Did you know that was possible?

I haven't felt like doing things that make me happy in a very long time. The only thing that I have energy for is cleaning  (which obviously is NOT that much energy if you've seen my house) or trying to organize so that maybe I will feel like taking a picture or making a scrapbook page. Or doing SOMETHING that will just make me HAPPY!! I went to fucking Disney World 3 months ago and have not made a scrapbook page about the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!! What the fuck is wrong with me??

Then Nick comes home and he wants ME to be there for HIM. Because he hates his job. He needs me to be a wife. But how can I do this? What is it called when you don't want anybody to touch you? How do you tell your husband that when he tries to hug you, you feel like you are carrying a ton of bricks? That we have no communication and that we are this [ ] close to getting a divorce. That we have crappy sex? That we never have any fun? I said it. I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO TALK TO YOU. That being with you makes me feel even shittier when all you do is COMPLAIN about shit. That I try to do something because "Christmas is too commercialized. I hate Christmas." So I try to do something to show the fucking meaning of Christmas and THAT is an inconvenience to you? Not string lights all over the house.. no that's not inconvenient! But saying a daily prayer for your "Catholic" advent wreath.. now THAT!! THAT is COMMERCIALIZED INCONVENIENCE. Maybe you are such a FUCK because you just bottle everything up and let it all come out in RETARDEDNESS.

My mom has been staying with us for the past few months and she is weighing me down too. I don't mind her being here so much as I have when we've had guests in the past. Like my brother who spent time here over the summer. Who wouldn't let the dogs in his room. I can't stand people who don't like my dogs. Anyway, my mom isn't that bad. She likes my dogs. But she is always sad about something. She is always saying how she hurts here or there or is sick. Or she cries. About NOTHING. How am I supposed to deal with my own problems when I have this?

 

 

 

On December 9th we had a terrible ice storm here in Oklahoma which resulted in the largest power outage in our state's history. Over 1/3 of the state was without power. I was one of the lucky - er unlucky - ones. On the 10th (Monday) we still had power until several of the branches from our large tree snapped the power line that connects to our house. Most of my neighbors only lost power for one day - it sucked being the only one without for more than a week. Finally on the 19th we got ELECTRICITY back. But we have spent the last few days with power being tortured with no internet. (Did I mention that tree snapped ALL of the lines that run to my house??)

So here are some of the pictures.. the first ones are of my house and tree and the others are some I saw around town. It seriously looks like we were hit by a tornado. Tree limbs all over the place. It's freaking crazy around here.

This was one of the first ones I took.. I think the cable (internet) was one of the first things to go

...

 

I'm not the best photographer when I'm freezing my ass off so it is hard to tell.. but in this one the two limbs that look like they are standing up are actually straddling our power line.. at the time the pic was taken we still had power.

 

 

Somewhere amongst the ruble is a LIVE power line. It was SO hard to keep the dogs away from it.. they saw all these branches as an obstacle course. Emma & Hank went crazy nuts running around

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The light square there is where the power line actually snapped.

 

And here's a little mosaic of the ones around town.. again not the best quality and this is in one neighborhood where I walk dogs... some of the cleanup had already begun

.

 

1. <a href="http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128491702/">storm 030, 2. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128490992/">storm 021, 3. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128492448/">storm 040, 4. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128490312/">storm 016, 5. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128493300/">storm 047, 6. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2127711903/">storm 011, 7. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2127716395/">storm 043, 8. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128493300/">storm 047, 9. http://flickr.com/photos/47924251@N00/2128492448/">storm 040

 

 

Three years ago on this day I married this man:

He's still as goofy, crazy, and lovable as ever. I love you, Nick.

 

And we got another dog. Or... I should say another dog got us. He is one goofy looking dog but I think he has just grown on Nick. I found him while I was walking another dog along the river. He followed us.. and when I got in my car I just didn't' have the heart to leave him. The dog's owner who I was walking said that she would like to keep him, she just wasn't able to have him neutered right away. So.. I offered to keep him until January as a favor. Then the next day she decided she didn't want him... and how could we send him to the Tulsa Animal shelter where 13,480 of the 17,734 animals received were euthanized. Nick said that his grandparents would probably take him... what he didn't say is that he was just going to drop it off and hope they keep him. His parents were here today and told me they didn't want him... so I asked Nick what the heck we're going to do with another dog and his reply, "I guess we'll keep him"

Jack and Emma aren't particularly fond of him...and my mom said he is the most annoying dog she has ever met.. but we''ll see how this goes.

Meet Hank:

I got a new lens today!! It's not a super expensive lens because - HELLO I'm a dog walker not a lottery winner. Geez. Anyway, I am still super excited about it. It is a fixed 50mm and I did't think I'd like it because it's not a zoom lens but it is faster - which I need because I HATE flash... soooo

Here's the difference.. [and I haven't gotten to play yet.. Nick and I are headed to the TU/ORU game so I had to get ready first] This is the first shot straight out of the camera!!

 

And this is from my old lens [18-55mm -  the rebel kit lens]:

And this beauty of a girl weighs 71 pounds!! She is our little one :) Isn't it amazing that we think a 71 pound dog is small? It's all about perspective.

And yes, Emma is naked. She doesn't have to wear her collar around the house because she has really bad skin allergies.. and it irrates her (I know, poor baby!). And she's not a flight risk, lol.

My guess... hmm I'd say about 105.
Nick's guess? 107.

What Jack really weighs: 119!!!!

Can you believe that?? We haven't had him weighed since Feb of 06 (or at least that's what the vet record says.. I know he's been there since) and he was 91 lbs.

Well.. today we had a little trip to the vet... we needed more heartworm/flea preventative etc.

So what does this mean? Well, for us it means that Jack gets TWO doses of the Large size (55-88lbs) of heartworm/flea meds. Yippee!!

 

When Nick & I are together in our office often I will look over at him to see what he's doing. Mostly sports. Sometimes spider solitaire. And then sometimes very, very weird things. Earlier I saw him looking at images where he searched "Deep Snow" I laughed at him. Then just a few minutes ago I caught him google "Toilet Paper and other things you can't live without"

Bwwahahhaahahahaha!!!

There was an article I saw that caught my eye, entitled  and then I had to google "A year without toilet paper" which led me to the blog No Impact Man. I still haven't found out how but I am intrigued. I have always been a wannabe tree hugger though I never really have done anything about it. Thoughts are percolating. I know I could never go that extreme... living without toilet paper. But how far can I go? What am I willing to do? How can this be done without contradicting myself? Does scrapbooking go against the environment? I mean, with all that paper.. I've probably got a whole forest sitting here in my office. Hmm... things to think about.

 

So long as it does not snow where I am trying to walk dogs :)

In honor of the first snow fall in Tulsa last night (seriously, we only got a few flurries!) go make yourself a snowflake! And you shall be warned: it is addicting!